I posted a picture the other day on my new Instagram page, asking my friends for ideas about interesting topics to explore and write about on my blog. I mentioned how it is not easy for me to write about just anything because I pour my heart out on each blog entry. I keep it very honest because, in a way, writing is extremely cathartic for me.
For the last two years, I’ve been researching, studying, and constructing my own interpretation of relationship topics and psychological love theories, in order to understand many things about my past and my experience with love and relationships, with the purpose of getting to know myself more, be more genuine, and ultimately reach a better version of myself.
One of my good friends mentioned how, in his opinion, it must be so hard to find men to date at my age, in my hometown, and being a single mom to boot.

It really is, and sometimes I find myself in a huge dichotomy.

On one hand, I really need a distraction, get out of the house sometimes and have fun, but on the other, there’s the social pressure of finding the right life partner this time and knowing at all times where a relationship is going.

When it comes to romantic relationships, I’ve always taken a very passive stance. I’ve always been chosen, a serial monogamist and handled relationships opting for the path of least resistance.

Since our childhood, we set our hopes for an ideal relationship at a high bar. Nobody grows up dreaming of a bad, torturous relationship or an unhappy ending.

As we mature, our expectations of relationships are higher. Love changes as well, and this is not necessarily a bad thing. Early courtship romantic love – which can be a lot of fun – can actually evolve into a deeper and more satisfying experience, but this is not the case for a lot of people who’ve been together for a long time.

When getting to know someone, I did not allow myself to see properly. I could identify the red flags in men right away, but something in me chose to idealize situations to give me the right amount of excuses to stay in a toxic and unhealthy relationship.

Now that I’ve done all this research and soul searching, and my love and relationship perception has «matured», I have my work really cut out.

As I wrote on my last entry, I have come to the realization that being self-sufficient, outgoing, bubbly and easy going are not, as I thought, assets in romantic relationships. In fact, my personality traits have been a double-edged sword in most, if not all, my romantic relationships.

It gets even more complicated when you add the macho element to the mix.  Latin men always want to be or feel they are in control.

It is as if most men like the outgoing, bubbly, cute, kind and caring partner as a pit stop or as an in-between step before finding the partner they want to actually settle down with.

As if a self-sufficient woman is going to steal their thunder and their manhood and could potentially be too much to handle in the long run, so they’d rather settle down with someone they can either control or get into frequent crazy fights with.

Falling in love, relationships, and even marriage should be wonderful and enriching experiences, and being in love should make us happier and healthier.

Then why are there so many unhappy people «in love» out there?

Last week, I got a surprising text from one of my friends from college.

His text read something like this: «I really like you and would love to meet up very soon to have a good time – just the two of us.» He then apologized about being so upfront and for making me uncomfortable with his text.

I was shocked to read his text, but then again, what’s so shocking? That’s life. He was just brave and honest enough to admit he is bored and that he wants/needs a «distraction».

Is my apparent vulnerability enticing to married men or men in general?

Men thinking I am desperate because I am divorced and a mother is my greatest fear.

Down the drain goes my therapist’s theory of making new guy friends – to see men as friends without any sexual tension. What happens when you get a text from a guy you considered a friend, asking you if he can jump your bones?

How’s that for a theory?

I am not interested in vapid relationships or relationships with married men, and that’s more of a personal principle – which has to do with who I am as a woman and with gender solidarity.

My response to him was: «I am really flattered by your text, and I didn’t know you felt that way about me. I am only interested in your friendship, and just so you know, I don’t go out with married men.»

Presently, my attention is focused on my son and my job – in that order.

If the right person comes along, then so be it – but if there are no good intentions… Please leave me alone, I am tired.