I have missed writing immensely.
The reason I took a writing hiatus is that I am with my son in Colombia for an extended and a very needed, trip home.
If you had asked me a couple of years ago where I would be, I wouldn’t have said Colombia, but I am beyond happy to be here.
In 2014, my son and I took our first plane trip together to visit my family and it was wonderful. It was very hard to leave after 6 weeks.
When I was back from that trip, I felt lost–in many ways.
Boston was my home for the last 15 years. I loved the person I became when I was there and all the things I learned and experienced by meeting people from different cultures and from all over the world.
I enjoyed my walks around the city admiring its beautiful architecture.
Still, it was a very lonely place for me at times.
Colombia is far from being a perfect place, but it is home and the last year here has been amazing. I have been enjoying my time with the family, exercising, reconnecting with old friends and eating delicious Colombian food that I missed terribly.
I feel that I can breathe here. I have time for myself because my family gives me a hand with my son.
Barranquilla (the town where I am from) is a very happy place. The weather is hot all year round and the people are very warm and vibrant.
I have taken advantage of my time at home to reflect on many things, but I can’t help to get really angry at myself sometimes. So angry. I wonder what made me think that staying in the US after my divorce was a good idea.
Truthfully, I stayed because I did not want to face people and explain my situation, which I saw as a failure. I also felt I was not going to belong in Colombia anymore after so many years abroad. I wanted to heal in a place where I felt safe and, back then, I thought it was Boston.
Now that I am here, I realize that my fear of not belonging in Colombia was not right. I have felt welcomed and loved and now I wish I had come here sooner. Sooner meaning 6 years ago when things started to go south for me.
I was very busy with work, but still had just enough distractions to keep me occupied. I was dating but I wasn’t meeting the type of men I wanted to be with. I was also very lonely and solitude can be your worst advisor.
I had been seeing someone for about 2 years and one day I found out I was pregnant. I thought that things were starting to feel right with my son’s father and the hormones from pregnancy made me think and believe that I could play house with him.
I was wrong.
We have very different expectations of life, family, and friends and, as a result, our parenting styles and priorities don’t match.
Now that I am in Colombia more than anything else and I’m not sure I want to go back because the life I have here is so rich and full. I am scared to go back to the life I had.
I want to be the best version of myself for my son, and I don’t know if that is possible for me in Boston.
I feel that my poor decisions have disappointed my parents, my family, and some friends, but the reality is that I am the most disappointed.
I wish I had been brave enough to face my fear and moved back to Colombia after my divorce, but I can’t look back and wonder what if.
I have to move forward.
Out of all of this I know I have so much to be grateful for when I look at my beautiful son. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I could not picture my life without him.
I have been very busy taking him to all sorts of activities–swimming lessons, baby classes, parks and playgrounds. Seeing him so happy makes me happy.
When I think of a perfect future I picture myself safe, healthy, happy, living close to my family and knowing that my son will have all the things he needs – lots of love, health, a good education, family and friends.
I am trying with all my heart to imagine having that life I want for me and my son while I enjoy being at home after so long.