Reflections from home
I have missed writing immensely.
The reason I took a writing hiatus is that I am with my son in Colombia for an extended and a very needed, trip home.
If you had asked me a couple of years ago where I would be, I wouldn’t have said Colombia, but I am beyond happy to be here.
In 2014, my son and I took our first plane trip together to visit my family and it was wonderful. It was very hard to leave after 6 weeks.
When I was back from that trip, I felt lost–in many ways.
Boston was my home for the last 15 years. I loved the person I became when I was there and all the things I learned and experienced by meeting people from different cultures and from all over the world.
I enjoyed my walks around the city admiring its beautiful architecture.
Still, it was a very lonely place for me at times.
Colombia is far from being a perfect place, but it is home and the last year here has been amazing. I have been enjoying my time with the family, exercising, reconnecting with old friends and eating delicious Colombian food that I missed terribly.
I feel that I can breathe here. I have time for myself because my family gives me a hand with my son.
Barranquilla (the town where I am from) is a very happy place. The weather is hot all year round and the people are very warm and vibrant.
I have taken advantage of my time at home to reflect on many things, but I can’t help to get really angry at myself sometimes. So angry. I wonder what made me think that staying in the US after my divorce was a good idea.
Truthfully, I stayed because I did not want to face people and explain my situation, which I saw as a failure. I also felt I was not going to belong in Colombia anymore after so many years abroad. I wanted to heal in a place where I felt safe and, back then, I thought it was Boston.
Now that I am here, I realize that my fear of not belonging in Colombia was not right. I have felt welcomed and loved and now I wish I had come here sooner. Sooner meaning 6 years ago when things started to go south for me.
I was very busy with work, but still had just enough distractions to keep me occupied. I was dating but I wasn’t meeting the type of men I wanted to be with. I was also very lonely and solitude can be your worst advisor.
I had been seeing someone for about 2 years and one day I found out I was pregnant. I thought that things were starting to feel right with my son’s father and the hormones from pregnancy made me think and believe that I could play house with him.
I was wrong.
We have very different expectations of life, family, and friends and, as a result, our parenting styles and priorities don’t match.
Now that I am in Colombia more than anything else and I’m not sure I want to go back because the life I have here is so rich and full. I am scared to go back to the life I had.
I want to be the best version of myself for my son, and I don’t know if that is possible for me in Boston.
I feel that my poor decisions have disappointed my parents, my family, and some friends, but the reality is that I am the most disappointed.
I wish I had been brave enough to face my fear and moved back to Colombia after my divorce, but I can’t look back and wonder what if.
I have to move forward.
Out of all of this I know I have so much to be grateful for when I look at my beautiful son. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I could not picture my life without him.
I have been very busy taking him to all sorts of activities–swimming lessons, baby classes, parks and playgrounds. Seeing him so happy makes me happy.
When I think of a perfect future I picture myself safe, healthy, happy, living close to my family and knowing that my son will have all the things he needs – lots of love, health, a good education, family and friends.
I am trying with all my heart to imagine having that life I want for me and my son while I enjoy being at home after so long.
maria c strawder
No tengo palabras para decirte que puedan expresar mi admiracion por ti Vani. Eres muy valiente al dejar salir tus emociones, no todos somos capaces de hacerlo. Quiza hay muchos que sienten lo mismo que tu, pero por el temor de ser criticados, no dan el paso y regresan a casa y al igual que yo quien se encontro en tu misma situacion hace unos 10 agnos atras, despues del fracaso d la relacion que me trajo a este pais, me quede aca y luche en contra de la corriente, gracias a que Dios se compadecio de mi despues de tanta soledad, llanto, frustacion y sufrimiento y pues me regalo a quien hoy dia es mi esposo, pero antes de Allan, fue horrible.
Estoy segura que tu testimonio de vida va a tocar a muchisimas personas que se encuentran atrapadas en situaciones similares a la tuya y tu con tu sincero escrito y transparente confesion les vas a dar el empujoncito que necesitan para dar ese paso directo a la libertad…..
Si decides regresar a USA, porfavor situate en un lugar cerca de tu familia, aca no vas a estar sola, si te ubicas cerca de donde mi esposo y yo vivimos (Chattanoogaa es una ciudad para criar hijos, es maravillosa), te aseguro que vas a contar con nuestro apoyo, nuestro ayuda, nuestro amor y nuestra compania y tu principe, no careceria de tios que lo cuidaran cada vez que la mamita quisiera tomarse tiempo para ella.
Fijate que yo me le acabo de revelar a mi esposo (quien insistia en ue nos mudaramos para el West) y le dije que de aqui no me mudaba , yo que quiero y necesito vivir donde tengo amigos verdaderos como lo es Nanda Davila y su esposo y yo no quiero mudarme a otro estado por mas bonito que sea y asi poner mas distancia y estar mas lejos de mi tierra y de mi familia y de mi gente. Vivir aca lejos de familia o amigos que uno considera como familia es horrible, puedes tener una pareja peroes vacio de la familia y amigos, la pareja no los llena y uno se siente solo, aislado,,,,
Gracias por tu honestidad y tu valentia y por favor, sigue alimentandonos el alma con tu testimonios de honestidad!!! Te quiero muchisimo y te admiro aun mas!!
Tu prima por siempre,
Maria Claudia Strawder (Juliao Romero)
ivieromero
Te quiero mucho, primita. Que lindas palabras! Cuenta conmigo siempre!